Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ShortSleeveSuit's best tweets

@ShortSleeveSuit : BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs* BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

@ShortSleeveSuit: I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

@ShortSleeveSuit: I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

@ShortSleeveSuit: My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that's exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

@ShortSleeveSuit: I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

@ShortSleeveSuit: FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

@ShortSleeveSuit: Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

@ShortSleeveSuit: HR: Alright people, let's be a little more sensitive to Linda because she's pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

@ShortSleeveSuit: [front door opens]

Everyone [hiding in the dark]: *flicks on lights* SURPRISE!

Burglar: It sure is!

Everyone:

[someone fires a glitter cannon]