@ShortSleeveSuit: Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on...
@ShortSleeveSuit: [first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
@ShortSleeveSuit: "There, there," I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we're going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
@ShortSleeveSuit: [blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
@ShortSleeveSuit: Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
@ShortSleeveSuit: [at hardware store]
Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please
Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint
Me: *tips hat* *passes out*
@ShortSleeveSuit: Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
@ShortSleeveSuit: Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
@ShortSleeveSuit: [English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*