@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
@ShortSleeveSuit: BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
@ShortSleeveSuit: [at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
@ShortSleeveSuit: *does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
@ShortSleeveSuit: GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five
ME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
@ShortSleeveSuit: me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
@ShortSleeveSuit: I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier