Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ShortSleeveSuit's best tweets

@ShortSleeveSuit : [inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

@ShortSleeveSuit: BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite


ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?


ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

@ShortSleeveSuit: [at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

@ShortSleeveSuit: *does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

@ShortSleeveSuit: [2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt


ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

@ShortSleeveSuit: me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ

@ShortSleeveSuit: I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier