@ShortSleeveSuit: [trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
@ShortSleeveSuit: People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
@ShortSleeveSuit: MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
@ShortSleeveSuit: Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
@ShortSleeveSuit: [in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*