Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ShortSleeveSuit's best tweets

@ShortSleeveSuit : My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine's cause autism?

@ShortSleeveSuit: CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

@ShortSleeveSuit: Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that's sweet

Me: Don't duck this time (throws another hammer)

@ShortSleeveSuit: Me [making the jerk off motion]

Friend [jerking off]: WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?!

@ShortSleeveSuit: WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

@ShortSleeveSuit: [restaurant]

Me (waiter): Say when

Her (horrified): WHY ARE YOU TRIMMING YOUR BEARD INTO MY SALAD

@ShortSleeveSuit: [excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops