Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ShortSleeveSuit's best tweets

@ShortSleeveSuit : Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

@ShortSleeveSuit: [trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

@ShortSleeveSuit: People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

@ShortSleeveSuit: MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

@ShortSleeveSuit: Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

@ShortSleeveSuit: [in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*