Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ShortSleeveSuit's best tweets

@ShortSleeveSuit : CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten KRISTEN: sure CHRISTEN: thank you KRIS: anytime

@ShortSleeveSuit: SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

@ShortSleeveSuit: ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

@ShortSleeveSuit: Me: *I begin monk-chanting & performing a number of masterful karate moves*

Banker: No sir I need your written signature

@ShortSleeveSuit: Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

- squirrels

@ShortSleeveSuit: [getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

@ShortSleeveSuit: JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not