@ShortSleeveSuit: ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine's cause autism?
@ShortSleeveSuit: CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
@ShortSleeveSuit: HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
@ShortSleeveSuit: Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that's sweet
Me: Don't duck this time (throws another hammer)
@ShortSleeveSuit: Me [making the jerk off motion]
Friend [jerking off]: WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?!
@ShortSleeveSuit: WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Me (waiter): Say when
Her (horrified): WHY ARE YOU TRIMMING YOUR BEARD INTO MY SALAD
@ShortSleeveSuit: [excerpt from my failed job application]
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops