Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ShortSleeveSuit's best tweets

@ShortSleeveSuit : [talking to a frat bro] Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

@ShortSleeveSuit: Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on...

@ShortSleeveSuit: [first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

@ShortSleeveSuit: "There, there," I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we're going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

@ShortSleeveSuit: [blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

@ShortSleeveSuit: Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

@ShortSleeveSuit: [at hardware store]

Me [wiping my mouth]: Waiter I would like another bucket of color soup please

Employee: Sir you probably shouldn’t be drinking our paint

Me: *tips hat* *passes out*

@ShortSleeveSuit: Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

@ShortSleeveSuit: Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

@ShortSleeveSuit: [English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*