@ShortSleeveSuit: [driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
@ShortSleeveSuit: Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
@ShortSleeveSuit: [at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
@ShortSleeveSuit: [death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That's about to change
@ShortSleeveSuit: Interviewer: Strengths?
Me [alarm clock sounds & I snort cocaine off of a knife blade]: NONE
@ShortSleeveSuit: Bank robber: I got the money! Let's get outta here!
Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*
@ShortSleeveSuit: Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
@ShortSleeveSuit: [on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?