Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ShortSleeveSuit's best tweets

@ShortSleeveSuit : Gazing at nature's majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I'm drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

@ShortSleeveSuit: [driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

@ShortSleeveSuit: Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

@ShortSleeveSuit: [at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

@ShortSleeveSuit: [death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That's about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

@ShortSleeveSuit: Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Punctuality

Interviewer: Weaknesses?

Me [alarm clock sounds & I snort cocaine off of a knife blade]: NONE

@ShortSleeveSuit: Bank robber: I got the money! Let's get outta here!

Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*

@ShortSleeveSuit: Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

@ShortSleeveSuit: [on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?