mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.