If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
You Might Also Like
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
More like Kate Missington.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.