Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Hell yeah 👍
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.