Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
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i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.