@Sickayduh: Wife: Have u done anything today?
Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street
Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk
@Sickayduh: Me: Did you know that a woman's voice gets higher when she's attracted to a man?
Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend
@Sickayduh: Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn't mean he's racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I'd start over.
Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-
"What about Leo?"
Steward: No. Leo dies.
@Sickayduh: SON: what ya reading?
DAD: a huge book on podiatry
SON: how long is it?
DAD: it's about a foot
@Sickayduh: Me: *goes to jail for murdering coworkers*
Boss: You're still coming in early tomorrow, right?
@Sickayduh: MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl