Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
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Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
The biggest mystery of our time
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”