Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Sickayduh's best tweets

@Sickayduh : Wife: Have u done anything today? Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street Wife: Wheelie? Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk

@Sickayduh: Me: Did you know that a woman's voice gets higher when she's attracted to a man?

Her: *batman voice* I have a boyfriend

@Sickayduh: Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn't mean he's racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I'd start over.

@Sickayduh: [Titanic]
Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-

"What about Leo?"

Steward: No. Leo dies.

@Sickayduh: Top 3 Wiki sites:

1. Wikipedia
2. Wikileaks
3. WikiwikiwikiSlimShady

@Sickayduh: SON: what ya reading?
DAD: a huge book on podiatry
SON: how long is it?
DAD: it's about a foot

@Sickayduh: Me: *goes to jail for murdering coworkers*

Boss: You're still coming in early tomorrow, right?

@Sickayduh: Your turtle puns tortoise family apart

@Sickayduh: MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl

@Sickayduh: NURSE: Doctor, I've lost the cat's pulse

VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05