Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
me when the borders lift
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.