The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
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For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
huge if true: the moon
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*