[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?