*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
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Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
This woman is my idol. Free her.