It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs