Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
You Might Also Like
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
And that about sums it up.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
what do you want!!!!!!!!
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU