My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU