Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
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NASA has no chill
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps