Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
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My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…