I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
🚲+physics = winner
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My teenage children choosing violence
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up