dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
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How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8