The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
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Monday Lisa
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?