FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
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Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
That eye roll….
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.