Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now