A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
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HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.