6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
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carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
She was REALLY feeling it.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.