[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
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Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism