[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.