{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
When I grow up, I want to be 16
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”