Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Skoogeth's best tweets

@Skoogeth : cop: do you know who the murderer is? detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead cop: [obviously disappointed] oh detective quasimodo: what? cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a... nvm it’s not important

@Skoogeth: Professor X: So what's your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That's dumb. You can't join the team.

Me: I'm completely ok with that.

@Skoogeth: At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

@Skoogeth: guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let's do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

@Skoogeth: satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

@Skoogeth: [makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

@Skoogeth: Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

@Skoogeth: [recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

@Skoogeth: villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

@Skoogeth: older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake