Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Skoogeth's best tweets

@Skoogeth : her: why is the cat so sparkly? me: I think she looks fabulous. her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX? me: you mean the glitter box?

@Skoogeth: professor x: what's your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

@Skoogeth: sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

@Skoogeth: cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let's revisit that first question

@Skoogeth: cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

@Skoogeth: peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

@Skoogeth: me: arch your back it'll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

@Skoogeth: host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

@Skoogeth: [a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not... [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

@Skoogeth: professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting