Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Skoogeth's best tweets

@Skoogeth : teacher: where is your assignment? me: my dog ate it- [i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat] me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

@Skoogeth: [home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

@Skoogeth: [fight scene - me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

@Skoogeth: Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

@Skoogeth: [concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

@Skoogeth: iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

@Skoogeth: professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

@Skoogeth: me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

@Skoogeth: cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a... nvm it’s not important

@Skoogeth: Professor X: So what's your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That's dumb. You can't join the team.

Me: I'm completely ok with that.