Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Skoogeth's best tweets

@Skoogeth : [literally every petting zoo] Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat? Me: [shrugs] I guess Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

@Skoogeth: Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we're brothers.

Cop: oh. It's just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that... is that less weird?

@Skoogeth: [skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

@Skoogeth: [first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

@Skoogeth: [during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

@Skoogeth: {slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

@Skoogeth: [being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

@Skoogeth: [prom night]

Her: we’re finally gonna do it

Me: *puts finishing touches on time machine*

Her: we’re gonna kill hitler

@Skoogeth: Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend's outfit as "ho-fessional" and now I have style goals I never knew existed

@Skoogeth: Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn't have sex with you.

Me: You're thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?