Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Skoogeth's best tweets

@Skoogeth : professor x: what’s your power? jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters gay professor x : interesting

@Skoogeth: bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber's hand] hey

@Skoogeth: dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

@Skoogeth: [dinner at fergie's house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it's ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you'd use to describe it?

@Skoogeth: me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you're welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

@Skoogeth: professor x: what's your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

@Skoogeth: professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

@Skoogeth: teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

@Skoogeth: [home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

@Skoogeth: [fight scene - me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan