Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
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All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night