You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
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I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.