Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
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11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder