I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
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Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
SCARY COSTUME
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini