I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
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For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
RT if you could go either way.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Yup.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus