Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
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When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
So we got a goldfish…
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?