You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
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Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
“you recording!?”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
How high do the levels go?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.