I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
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I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.