Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
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[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I think this should do it.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”