Inside you there are two wolves
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somewhere, in an alternate universe
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Best seat on the street 馃槏
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you鈥檙e going for a high score.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
If this doesn鈥檛 sum up England nothing will 馃槀馃槀 #snow #weather #uk
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Man: I鈥檒l have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn鈥檛 work for this guy
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I do believe I鈥檓 an Empath. I can always sense when someone I鈥檓 attacking is in a bad mood.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*