Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Smooheed's best tweets

@Smooheed : *whips out tampon* "Now weigh me"

@Smooheed: When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

@Smooheed: Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

@Smooheed: 3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

@Smooheed: Me: Sorry can't come over, I'm snowed in
MIL: But it's the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum...
Me: SNOW

@Smooheed: "Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter"

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

@Smooheed: How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

@Smooheed: I'm not saying you've had too much Botox, it's just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

@Smooheed: Poop your pants one time and suddenly you're banned from the MacDonalds ball pit