Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
You Might Also Like
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
WTF
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what