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*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Good boy 😂😂
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.