[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*