Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
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I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Not today
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though