My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
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These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.