estão todos miauvindo?
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A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.