Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
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When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I’d hang this in my house.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?