Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
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I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.