Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Social_Mime's best tweets

@Social_Mime : Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

@Social_Mime: Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife - Did you hear that?
Me -
Wife - I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) - Yes

@Social_Mime: You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

@Social_Mime: In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say "here."

@Social_Mime: Salad is being recalled. Do you know what's never been recalled? Oreos.

@Social_Mime: I'm at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

@Social_Mime: My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

@Social_Mime: If you've ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren't wondering anymore.

@Social_Mime: My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I'm driving and then she controls the radio.

@Social_Mime: Every day I'm hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn't want to talk about it.