@Social_Mime: An older couple saw me open my wife's car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
@Social_Mime: Texting my wife when we were dating - What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now - Did the dog poop?
@Social_Mime: *During sex*
Wife - *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
@Social_Mime: Bartender - Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me - Can I have a different bartender please?
@Social_Mime: Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.
@Social_Mime: My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there's a 100% chance I'll be there and then I don't show up.
@Social_Mime: Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We'll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
@Social_Mime: My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that's cooking a casserole for the first time.