Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Social_Mime's best tweets

@Social_Mime : If you tell someone "nice shirt" and they don't look down at it you're talking to a robot.

@Social_Mime: My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I'm planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

@Social_Mime: Remember when we wished we could read people's minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

@Social_Mime: Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

@Social_Mime: Saying "You first" when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

@Social_Mime: If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

@Social_Mime: My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

@Social_Mime: Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife - Did you hear that?
Me -
Wife - I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) - Yes