Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Social_Mime's best tweets

@Social_Mime : Me - You almost ready? Wife - Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there? Me - Yesterday at 7.

@Social_Mime: An older couple saw me open my wife's car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

@Social_Mime: Texting my wife when we were dating - What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now - Did the dog poop?

@Social_Mime: *During sex*

Wife - *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

@Social_Mime: Bartender - Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me - Can I have a different bartender please?

@Social_Mime: I'm banned from Church ever since I yelled "fake news" one too many times.

@Social_Mime: Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don't dress nice for him anymore.

@Social_Mime: My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there's a 100% chance I'll be there and then I don't show up.

@Social_Mime: Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We'll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

@Social_Mime: My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that's cooking a casserole for the first time.