@Social_Mime: My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I'm planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
@Social_Mime: Remember when we wished we could read people's minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
@Social_Mime: Saying "You first" when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
@Social_Mime: If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
@Social_Mime: My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
@Social_Mime: Middle of the night In bed:
Wife - Did you hear that?
Wife - I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) - Yes