Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Social_Mime's best tweets

@Social_Mime : My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there's a 100% chance I'll be there and then I don't show up.

@Social_Mime: Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We'll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

@Social_Mime: My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that's cooking a casserole for the first time.

@Social_Mime: Waiter - I'm Matt & I'll be taking care of you
Me - You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife - Give us a few minutes

@Social_Mime: When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I've discovered I was right.

@Social_Mime: Wife - You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me - You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

@Social_Mime: Wife - We're invited to a gender reveal party.
Me - I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W - It's for a baby
Me - Ralph is pregnant?

@Social_Mime: I'd give my wife my coat if she's cold but I'll take it back if I become cold and maybe she'll be prepared next time we go out.

@Social_Mime: Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

@Social_Mime: Me - That's the second First Baptist Church I've seen today.
Wife - OK?
M - One of them is lying.
W - You can't ever shut it off can you?