[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
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The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Two types of dogs.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I’m sure it’s fine.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience