My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
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*Inspirational Tweets*
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet