Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SondraDeeMe's best tweets

@SondraDeeMe : BF: Aren’t you ashamed? ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant? BF: No ME: Because I ate a large pizza? BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

@SondraDeeMe: I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

@SondraDeeMe: My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

@SondraDeeMe: My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I'm some sort of multitasker.

@SondraDeeMe: ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

@SondraDeeMe: What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

@SondraDeeMe: ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

@SondraDeeMe: My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

@SondraDeeMe: [mattress store interview]

"What would you bring to this job?"

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

@SondraDeeMe: When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you're a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.