@SondraDeeMe: ME: What's this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can't tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn't take your dog to a farm
@SondraDeeMe: I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
@SondraDeeMe: [in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom's here
BF: She's not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
@SondraDeeMe: I've always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must've been really difficult.
@SondraDeeMe: My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she'd pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
ME: I'm uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We're at your family reunion
@SondraDeeMe: PMS: I'm sorry.
ME: Why? It's a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
@SondraDeeMe: It may be autocorrect, but I'm excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
@SondraDeeMe: [job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?