Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SondraDeeMe's best tweets

@SondraDeeMe : "Dreadfully mediocre." "Astonishing lack of imagination." "Your child peaked at age 5." - why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

@SondraDeeMe: Just once I'd like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

@SondraDeeMe: [vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He's sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat's arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

@SondraDeeMe: [party]
ME: You're out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I'll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

@SondraDeeMe: [babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it's clean?

@SondraDeeMe: ME: What's this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can't tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn't take your dog to a farm

@SondraDeeMe: I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

@SondraDeeMe: [in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom's here
BF: She's not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

@SondraDeeMe: I've always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must've been really difficult.

@SondraDeeMe: My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she'd pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.