Funny Tweeter

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Page of SondraDeeMe's best tweets

@SondraDeeMe : ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands BF: That’s salsa [last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

@SondraDeeMe: My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

@SondraDeeMe: [mattress store interview]

"What would you bring to this job?"

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

@SondraDeeMe: When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you're a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

@SondraDeeMe: ME: All my life I've been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don't sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

@SondraDeeMe: I'm the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

@SondraDeeMe: "Dreadfully mediocre."
"Astonishing lack of imagination."
"Your child peaked at age 5."
- why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

@SondraDeeMe: Just once I'd like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

@SondraDeeMe: [vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He's sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat's arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

@SondraDeeMe: [party]
ME: You're out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I'll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.