Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SondraDeeMe's best tweets

@SondraDeeMe : My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

@SondraDeeMe: [at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

@SondraDeeMe: [HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

@SondraDeeMe: My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

@SondraDeeMe: My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

@SondraDeeMe: COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

@SondraDeeMe: When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

@SondraDeeMe: Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

@SondraDeeMe: I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

@SondraDeeMe: Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.